My dear, sweet creature,
Thank you so much for your beautiful and encouraging letter! Whether you may really think of me as having reached the “haven of peace” you imagine must remain open to question, however. When shall I ever find peace? Anyone who is abandoned to so wretched a fate as I am, and whose only concern must be to place no further hope in fate or good fortune, such a man can envisage only one kind of peace! - I am ill, and utterly bored with everything & everyone. Really, this final abortive attempt to found a purely neutral refuge - remote from all wearying human contact - , the unprecedented instances of misfortune and the unpropitiousness of every circumstance & chance event, the complete absence of even the faintest glimmer of light, and finally having to creep away like a thief from my servants, my dog, and my few possessions - all this, I feel, has left me a broken man. God knows, if I wanted only to vegetate, your little room in the Karthäuserstrasse would have been Elysium itself to me: I could have asked for nothing more. But I needed to complete this ill-starred task. I wanted to finish it in a single breath, without renewed interruptions! - I fear it is all over with me. Life weighs too heavily upon me. - Do you think it is easy for me here? Believe me, our neighbours in Zurich have been more of a hindrance than a help in my flight to Mariafeld of all places. Every contact with them is unspeakably embarrassing, and I who now needs only peace and quiet, to belong to myself, I find myself having to perform a further onerous and difficult task here: really, given our proximity to Zurich, it can be a question only of avoiding the false impression that further discord has developed between us; I should otherwise gladly forgo all contact with this household.
[...]
My own rooms here are a delight. I hope very much that you will visit Switzerland this summer: of course, you must bring Louise with you and give the place a tour of inspection. I’ll then take you into the mountains & across the lakes. Well, that’s settled, isn’t it? -
The only problem is that I am now unwell again, and have been unable to leave my room for 2 days. A mist as grey and impenetrable as my future hangs over the lake, obscuring the mountains from view! My future! I could certainly tell you a story about that, the more so since I have had to make it a general rule to regard all hope as sinful. I am strongly advised to get a divorce and marry a woman of means. That sounds very sensible, the more so when one thinks of a proper “mariage de raison”. But it strikes me as more or less comparable to the time when you hit upon the brilliant idea of marrying a rich husband post-haste in order to be able to help me. Yes, it is easy to say such things; but it scarcely suffices as a subject for conversation. -
Listen, child! If it does not involve any sacrifices for you and, above all, for your mother, to turn your backs on Mainz & its narrow streets and to rent a pleasant apartment somewhere else (wherever it may be, whether on the Rhine or near Darmstadt), and if this apartment were to contain a quiet, well-situated room for me, for which I would pay you a yearly rent of 100 fl., - in other words, if this could be achieved without any sacrifices and without any regrets on the part of your family, I would ask you, completely unconditionally, sincerely and earnestly, to arrange this for me. A room in your house would be a very real possession for me for the whole of my life, come what may, and it would be one of my favourite recreations & consolations to derive what pleasure I could from it. Let me say this in all truth & sincerity, and with total certitude! If this is feasible, act accordingly, & ask no further questions. I would even pay somewhat more - a way can certainly be found; and once I am with you, the rest will follow. - Now ask me no further questions! I am reading a great deal at present, although none of it sticks: I have never felt so listless and weary of life as I do at present. I have the German Christian mystics in front of me: today it is Tauler. The entry of “grace”, especially, is always deeply affecting. None the less, everything on the Ganges is more expansive, more peaceful, and more serene than in the cells of these Christian monks. You can see how the weather here is always dull and overcast. - Frau Wille is quite unique: she knows literally everything. And at the same time she is able, active and unreservedly generous. You will like her a lot, in spite of her extreme ugliness.
From Vienna I have not yet heard a single word, - which keeps me in fearful suspense! - Oh that I might find peace! Peace! -
But enough of this; it is past four o’clock, and I can feel a slight fever coming on again. - Last night (in my fevered state) I dreamt that Frederick the Great had summoned me to his court, with Voltaire. (I had been reading his diary.) That’s how it is with my secret ambition! -
Adieu! Dear sweet child! You give me such great and intense happiness! Believe me! May you always continue to do so!
A thousand good wishes to the Karthäuserstrasse and the fashion warehouse!
Yours,
R.W.
P.S. You no longer need convey my regards to Schindelmeisser! He must have heard by now that you intend renting a room for me in Darmstadt.
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 295