My dear Peter,
What has really made me so sick and weary of life are the experiences I have had of other people recently, whereby it has become clear how insincere most of them basically are in their protestations of sympathy. I live in hourly torment at present, awaiting the arrival of the postman in the hope of receiving some sort of response to the urgent appeals that I addressed to you and to Standh. asking for news of the state of my abandoned affairs. Standh. has again been kind enough today to forward letters that had arrived for me in Penzing: but he has again not added a single word of his own, not a single word of greeting! - Can you not understand that this is bound to alarm me more than the worst possible news could do? Or does no one write to me simply because you all wish to avoid the pain of telling me something painful? - But cordial friendship ought in the end to triumph over all other considerations! -
What direction my life now takes depends entirely upon how things turn out behind me; it is from this that I must deduce what lies ahead of me. If everything continues to be as irredeemably bad as it has been so far, it would be wrong of me to expect any good to come of it, since I have now reached the point where I regard it as fatal to entertain any hopes for the future: but how I am supposed to derive any pleasure from artistic creation in my present frame of mind, when I am bound to feel so utterly sickened of life, is something which anyone who takes my age and experiences into account must inevitably regard as thoroughly problematical. -
The malignancy with which circumstances now conspire against me may be clear to you from a single example. Among Standh.’s first bundle of letters was one from Moscow informing me that my letter of the 2nd of February had arrived there on the 23rd of March, and that my friend regretted this very much because, had it arrived in time, a cycle of concerts could have been arranged for me, the proceeds of which, to judge by all the signs, would have turned out very much to my advantage.
How it has come about that this letter, which I sent to the lady-in-waiting in Petersburg to deal with, and which I was informed had indeed been correctly forwarded, reached my business friend in Moscow so incredibly late is so utterly incredible that I am almost inclined to believe in a conspiracy. However that may be - if I had sent my letter direct, and if it had arrived in time, I should now be on my way back from Moscow, having earned enough money at least for my departure from Penzing to have passed off with all due propriety. - At all events, there still remains the prospect of my being able to earn enough in Russia next year to pay off my Viennese debts, assuming I can organize a winter campaign there: but only on condition that the affair be managed at present in such a way as not to overburden me with feelings of shame and unworthiness. My position is very unsettling; I feel to be on a knife-edge: a single jolt and it will all be over, so that there will be nothing more to be got out of me, nothing, nothing more! - Some light must show itself: Someone must come forward and help me now with his energetic support, - only then shall I still have the strength to repay him for his help: otherwise, I feel it will be impossible! -
My friend, Switzerland has become a burial ground for me, too: I should have gone anywhere but here, where everything is so bitter and redolent of the grave.
Yet nowhere but here could I have found the one person, the one human being who can be of benefit to me at present. I mean my hostess, Frau Wille, who is quite unique! This woman is beyond praise, she is quite incomparable and utterly unique. Whatever can be done to provide me with a pleasant refuge, well-suited, moreover, to my work, has been done unstintingly: she is even trying to obtain at least sufficient money for me to be able to hope to pay my local creditors something shortly, and thus to do something to improve the humiliating appearance of my departure from Penzing. I hope that in other respects, too, this possibility will remain open to me, although I am totally ignorant of the state of affairs that I left behind me there. The most annoying part of all this is that I have been given notice to quit my apartment: for it is this, more than anything else, which will alarm everyone, with fatal consequences for myself. I would almost have preferred to bear the sacrifice of retaining the apartment as a temporary measure.
If things are to get going again, and - if anything is to come of it all, I shall need you to visit me soon, dear Peter. I have grown very fond of you, and what fills me with the greatest sadness is that you no longer visit me. I am at present engaged in negotiations with a number of theatres concerning the fees that they owe me: I could send you 100 fl. shortly if you wanted to come here, where everything is ready and waiting for you. It’s true, believe me! -
But perhaps nothing more can be done to help! Indeed, I feel that, deep down inside me, the end is near. My sickliness contributes what it can to this frame of mind. I am again very weary, and plagued by my old bladder complaint. Standh. does right not to bother with me any more. I asked you to get him to prescribe some drops for me. Tell him that as from today I have been drinking Vichy water in the mornings: I hear that it is also good for bladder complaints; perhaps it is the same as the one he provided me with for a similar purpose. Oh God! All this is done in the hope that things can go on at all: whether this can really be the case is something I shall discover soon enough. As I say: some good and truly helpful miracle must now befall me, otherwise it will all be over! -
Your terrible silence seems to indicate that this delightful miracle is already on its way! -
Adio, my friend! Look up my good friend Eduard Liszt, give him my news, - entreat him and - thank him! -
Give Standh. a big hug from me! - The poor man, however strong he is, I am certainly too much for him! And so I can give him absolutely no pleasure! Not him or anyone! - And yet - perhaps Tausig! If all turns out well, he may succeed in being nailed to the cross for my sake. (Cf. his standing bail for me.)
It is heart-breaking - and not even profound! - Fare you well and - if things are to get better, come and see me soon!
Yours,
R.W.
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 296