It looks bad, does it not, dearest Mathilde, that I have kept you waiting so long for news? - But you once entreated me to count upon your forgiving me such sins of omission. That is what I have done now. In point of fact, my love, I have nothing to tell you, except that I received the presents which you and Louise sent me.
Otherwise nothing at all has happened, - unfortunately - except for yet more exertions - a concert for Tausig which I conducted - and which once again reduced me to that state of exhaustion which has now become so demonically injurious to me. On the other hand, - this gives you a fairly clear idea of my present situation - you know what decisions I now have to reach! While waiting for a solution to the question whether I have to go to Russia, or whether I can settle down permanently to my work, I remain in a state of anxious uncertainty which takes my breath away and robs me of all desire to be cheerful. I have spent the last few months as though half-asleep, and would have been grateful for any distraction. I gave Christmas presents to my servants, and to Peter, Tausig & H. Porges: I wish you could have been there! -
My niece, Ottilie Brockhaus, is still here: we spent New Year’s Eve together at Dr Standhartner’s. I went there thinking I would not be able to say a word: as usual I ended up by being the only chatterbox present. But I am paying for it now! I always feel miserable, and am developing a very real sense of hypochondria. I am growing more and more remote from the world: but it can hardly be otherwise, - I am worlds apart from it. - How often and how much have I thought of the Karthäuserstrasse? -
There is now a glimmer of hope inasmuch as I can now get down to my work in peace. I have already given up Kiev for this reason. The miracles which shall save me cannot come from the things of this world; religion can exist only within the heart of the individual. I shall soon know the answer: there is no lack of the noblest intentions on my part. - And so I am leading an interim existence, and keeping warm by wearing Eva’s magnificent fur-lined shoes. What shoes they are! I really believe I could have walked to Kiev in them! - The pictures are excellent! Very many thanks! There is nothing of mine from my younger days that is small enough to send you. Except the portrait by Cäsar Willig. Louise has written me a most kind & heartfelt letter, and sent me a magnificent portfolio. Tell her how pleased I was to receive it: unless you have any objections, I shall write to her next time, & she can then pass on my news to you. - Kind regards to everyone at home. Did you stay up on New Year’s Eve? Peter congratulated me with a beautiful poem which he improvised. Well, verse-making seems to be infectious at present: I have been receiving almost nothing but poems from the Karthäuserstrasse. Kind regards to the charming poetess, and tell her that I, too, hope to write poetry again one day - very calm & tender verses! Oh, how I yearn to write my life’s last poem. Compliments of the season from the bottom of my heart! Perhaps some good will come of it after all. Out of sheer necessity I am in an optimistic frame of mind. I shall write again soon, when I hope to have more definite news for you!
Love & kisses from
Yours,
R.W.
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 293