Friday, January 30:
I find it difficult to speak to R. about anything except what happened yesterday! But I do not let my sorrow show. Daniella, returning from school, wants to beg my pardon for having so offended me, but I reply that she does not have to beg my pardon, since she had not offended me; I told her that when she misbehaved, lied, or was impertinent, I should continue as before to punish her; but when, after a day spent in harmony, she makes such a remark about an affectionate little joke addressed to her sister, I could make no punishment, no reproach, for me it had been a revelation, and on this level I could only commune with God, who bestows both blessings and curses.
I allow her to work beside me, treat her as usual, and bear no bitter feelings against my lot, no grudge against my child, and believe I have thus achieved understanding. R. wants her to be sent away, but I fight against this, for I believe that despite everything she is happier here than anywhere else and that the good aspects of her character will be brought out better. If in my heart I am sorrowful and if I humbly bear this pain, perhaps I shall not be denied the blessing of seeing my child become a good person; and the fact that my way of doing things remains a mystery to her is of course of no importance to her.
Letter from my father; he says that the wreath presented to him by the Wagner Society at his appearance in Vienna had aroused mixed feelings in him, he tells himself that there is nothing better he can do than place his fingers at the disposal of the Wagner Societies. Yesterday Marie Schleinitz wrote in a very chastened spirit, saying that the mood in Berlin was so depressed that she expected nothing from the petition to the Emperor. She also tells us that Hans and Dohm had been in Meiningen at the same time, as guests of Frau von Heldburg, and that Hans had been in splendid spirits and had professed himself extremely satisfied with his success and his earnings in London. May his children bring him joy!
Walk with R., Fidi, and Eva, snow flurries. I feel unwell, as if my heart is being suffocated, but I manage to keep control over myself, and praise God for silence! In the evening with R. to Frau Gross's for a housewarming. Earlier a letter from Herr Schott, who seems, apart from a few ifs and buts, to be interested in R.'s suggestion.