This, dear Minna, is the date on which I've determined to get myself put, not in a hydropathic institute, but in a mad-house — for that now seems the only proper place for me! Whatever I say or write, even with the best intention, I stir up nothing but misfortune and misunderstanding. If I keep silence on certain things, I make you distrustful and suspicious that I want to circumvent you; then if I write seriously and openly, and at the same time thoroughly composingly — as I, poor ass, believed — I learn that I have been hatching a fiendish plot to hurry you under the turf! In the same breath I'm told to be a man! Good: not a man, but thy man I'll be. Tell me exactly how I am to speak, think, and look on the things of this world: I'll shape my course accordingly, and say, think and see nothing that doesn't suit you: — are you satisfied? Lay down for me, also, what and how I'm to indite and compose: indeed I shall conform to you in everything, that you no longer may have a moment's doubt about me. For whatever I do of myself, in my own way, you still believe it doesn't spring from me, but from someone or other who has an object with me. Very good: that shan't occur again; I'll look to left or right no longer, and if you then can still doubt that I live for no one but yourself, that I love and dote upon you, at least I shall no longer be answerable.
God knows if the above has put you in good humour, as my object was, or if I appear to you the refinement of malice afresh. I'm so in doubt concerning all I say or do, that I shall shortly get carried about like a child. No matter, though, if only you will bid goodbye to these terrible fancies, and recognise that at least I have the best, most honest will to shew myself good and grateful to you, faithful and attached, affectionate and thoughtful. Or am I to end by following Sulzer's example, before he married, hating "women" in the lump, and wishing there were none but males upon this earth? —
God in Heaven, what am I to do then, to make you content? —
Now listen! Thursday I shall write you exactly when you are to fetch me from the station Saturday; then we'll come to some arrangement. Meanwhile abide by the best you can think of me, and you always shall find me still better.
Nothing has occurred. I shall bring with me a letter from the Fürstin to yourself. Its intention is good; she is much affected by the description I gave her of your state of health and mind.
I am going to Wille's with Herwegh to-day. I had really repented accepting, as I was in the vein for work; but your letter of to-day has made me so confused again, that the distraction will come in just right. — God only grant that I'm not exciting you again with this letter; I literally no longer know what I am doing! You extract a black meaning from everything. However, we shall see, and hope for the best when your mind has somewhat quieted again.
I'm taking terrible walks with Fips, e.g. across Kilchberg, Sihlwald etc., yesterday. He eats very little; he must be fretting. He, too, will be highly delighted to see you again. Moreover, my visits may become much more frequent when the railway is opened the whole way, and taking all in all, I really feel as if the worst were got over in every direction. In truth it cannot be but things must mend; if they continued thus, neither you nor I could stand it.
So, on Thursday full particulars about the Wiedersehen! —
Everything that is best, heartiest, and most reassuring, as greeting from
Thy age-worn Husband.
Source: Richard to Minna Wagner: Letters to His First Wife, trans. William Ashton Ellis, Vol. 1 (H. Grevel & Co., 1909), No. 122