Today is the day, dear Minna, on which I have decided to have myself committed not to a hydropathic establishment but to a madhouse; - since this seems to be the only place for me! Whatever I say or write, and however good my intentions, I cause nothing but misfortune and misunderstanding. If I am silent about certain things, I make you mistrustful and you suspect that I am planning to go behind your back; if I then write in a serious and candid vein, and - as I was stupid enough to think - in a way that would at the same time reassure you, I discover that I have been plotting some subtle villainy calculated to drive you to an early grave! But at the same time I am told to be a man! Very well then, but I want to be your man, not just any man: you have only to tell me exactly how to speak, think and view the things of this world, and I shall always do exactly as you say, and never speak, think or look at anything of which you do not approve: - will that satisfy you? You can also tell me how and what I am to compose, write and conduct, and I shall be governed by you in everything, so that you will not be able to doubt in me a moment longer. For whatever I do of my own accord and in my own way you believe comes ultimately not from me but from someone else who has certain designs on me. Very well! This, too, shall no longer be so. I shall no longer look to the left or to the right of me, and if you can still doubt the fact that I live only for you, that I love you and worship you, then I at least shall no longer be responsible for what happens.
God knows if what I have said has put you in a good mood, as was my intention, or whether I again appear subtly villainous to you. I am so confused about all that I say and do that I shall soon be reduced to having myself carried round like a child. But none of this will matter if only you will abandon these terrible fancies of yours and recognize that I at least have the best and most honourable intentions of showing myself to be a good, grateful, loyal and devoted, loving and concerned husband. Or shall I end up like Sulzer before he married, hating all “women” without exception and wishing only that there were none but men in the world? -
God in heaven, what shall I do to satisfy you? -
Now listen! On Thursday I shall write to you and tell you precisely when you are to fetch me from the station on Saturday; then we shall see what we can achieve between us. Until then think only the best you can of me, and you will be pleasantly surprised by what you then find.
Nothing has happened. I shall bring with me a letter to you from the Princess. It is well meant: she was very moved by the description I gave her of your state of health and mind.
Today I am going with Herwegh to the Willes. In fact I regretted having agreed to go, since I felt like working; but today’s letter from you has so bewildered me that the distraction will be most welcome. - I pray to God that this letter does not cause you to get worked up all over again: I simply do not know any longer what I am doing! Whatever I say, you read only the blackest of intentions into it. Well, we shall see, and hope for the best that your mind will soon be somewhat calmer.
I have been on some killing walks with Fips, yesterday, for ex., we went via Kilchberg, Sihlwald etc. He eats very little. But he is pining. He, too, will be pleased to see you again. Once the railway has been opened, I, too, shall be able to visit you more frequently, and all in all I now feel as though the worst is over in every respect. Things can only get better: if they were to go on like this, neither of us would survive.
And so, on Thursday I shall send you more details about our meeting! -
The best, the most sincere, and the most reassuring wishes from
Your
decrepit
husband.
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 211