My Dear Anton!
A word of reassurance!
My sister has written me a beautiful affectionate letter, which I cannot yet answer because I need peace of mind and must wait until I can think over clearly and with resignation all that she has discussed. You would oblige me more than ordinarily if you would take the occasion to communicate to her this brief, but important information.
I beg you, my friend, as well as my sister, to forgive me for this recent violent alarm. The external cause of the storm was chiefly a mishap to a letter which I mailed to Moscow on February 2, and which, as finally appears, did not arrive there until March 23, thereby rendering fruitless an important and carefully initiated enterprise on behalf of my subsistence (concerning the means for living for a year). I was so deeply upset, not only by the immediate consequences of this, the practical embarrassment into which I fell, but also by the violent inward realization of my whole position, which has always depended solely on such accidents, that — I confess it! — for some time I lost my head, and I felt the old conflict break out in me again, with its eternal question: must I be condemned, without hope of relief, to such a repugnant basis of living? With all the violence of my excitable disposition, I returned to the fundamental question of my social position, which at various periods of my life has oppressed me so intensely that I have sought means of making a fundamental and decisive change in it. I repent very much having disquieted you again on this occasion; for this time — amidst fearful sufferings, I confess! — I have fought out my battle and now have won the deep and quiet conviction that it was the last battle, the last temptation.
Hence I declare conclusively that I have become completely resigned, no longer think of any radical change, and no longer have an eye on divorcing my wife in any way or for any purpose. But — living together is no longer possible for us: on this point I am ever so much decided.
I shall continue to support my wife in the way I have begun. Only for the moment I have encountered difficulties in fulfilling the promises made to her. But they are on the point of being settled. I have asked Mme. Tichatscheck for the time being to advance to my wife the money she needs. I am now in a position to assure her of its being refunded very soon. I beg you also, dear Anton, to have just a little more patience regarding your loan of 100 thalers; I hope to repay this shortly.
Accordingly, for only a very short time still, I would ask you, along with Frau Tichatscheck, to take care of my wife, in case of necessity. Now I see light ahead, kindly prospects are opening to me, and in any case, even before I set out anew on my Russian journey — on this occasion, missed in so disagreeable a way — I shall succeed in compensating you to the full and, moreover, in getting my poor wife provided again with the necessary funds.
Best greetings to her! Tell her I think I shall be able, at the invitation of the young King of Bavaria, to spend this summer in the Bavarian highlands for the benefit of my health and my work, and tell her that she may always be certain of having in me a true and solicitous friend.
Now then, adieu, my dear Anton! Forgive this last terrible confusion! It was the last — and I shall never, never again be a burden to anyone!
Most gratefully,
Your
Richard Wagner
Source: The Letters of Richard Wagner to Anton Pusinelli, trans. and ed. Elbert Lenrow (Alfred A. Knopf, 1932), No. 34