Cosima's Diaries

Diary Entry of July 11, 1881

Overview

A strange night in Nürnberg punctuated by a loud explosion gives way to a second, painful interview with Hans, who confesses he can no longer distinguish right from wrong and is overcome by nervous trembling as they part. Cosima collects Daniela and travels home in tears, arriving back at Wahnfried to a relieved Richard, who had spent the previous evening in a poor mood despite organizing a card party. The return home brings a profound sense of renewal to Cosima — an almost spiritual crossing of a threshold — and Richard tenderly greets her by playing Kurwenal's theme, calling her his "Heaven on earth."

Content

Monday, July 11:

Strange night, toward midnight I hear a loud explosion. R.’s telegram sounds more than sad: “What couldst thou do else, unhappy wife?” [Enclosed R. W.’s telegram, sent from Bayreuth at 7:15 A.M. on July 11: “What is now to be approved that has not already been approved, since domination of situation conceded to the other? Your telegram reached me yesterday at 9:30. May good triumph!” Also enclosed, C. W.’s reply to this, sent at 7:10 A.M.: “Sadly recognizing that greeting had to be thus, report with thanks and greetings that departure is 1:32 p.m. Hope to clear up misunderstandings in evening. All else when we meet.”]

Second interview, Hans tells me he does not know when white is white or black is black, he no longer has a guiding star. He is overcome by a nervous twitch, we take leave of each other. I go to fetch Daniela, would like to speak to him again, but he does not wish it. Journey home in tears with Daniela. Arrival in port; R. happy to have us back again. He says that last night he organized a whist party but was in a disgracefully bad mood. What I have to report is all sad, but still the feeling of being at home together comes over us, and we can discuss it all without embarrassment. However, one thing is clear to me, that I should and can only be with him and the children, that all other contacts, with strangers and also with friends, are a trial and an injustice! ... I enter this house after this meeting as if a new life were beginning for me, unconsoled and yet in peace, made happy entirely through his happiness, and deep in my heart the knowledge of my unatonable guilt. To enjoy the one, never to forget the other, may God help me to achieve this!

For Lusch R. plays Kurwenal’s theme, “auf eigner Weid und Wonne”; for me he recalls, joking, yet all the same moved, the finale from Die Schweizerfamilie: “He’s mine again!” Kurwenal’s melody is for me a reflection of my feelings in Wahnfried, pain and misery everywhere; sorrow deep within, confining myself to those I love. [Added in margin: As R. goes to bed: “You are my Heaven on earth.”]