Friday, May 9:
Daniel’s and Grandmama’s birthdays! Gloomy weather and gloomy thoughts: the children, the two elder ones, do not conform to my efforts and my wishes; they do not make progress. Difficult accusations will be made about my methods of bringing them up, or I shall be reproached with neglect. A great struggle within me whether I should approach the children’s father and ask him to send them to a school, for I am not strict enough, I quite see that. Or is this perhaps just vanity on my part, an attempt to rid myself of a responsibility from which I now feel I can gain little praise? Resolve to continue to do what I can and accept all trials, both present and future, as an atonement!
Shed many tears; how happy I should have been if the children had developed as I wished them to!
On top of this profound grief come many vexations. R. has had a conference with his people, which has led to the discovery that the Societies are completely worthless! I have unpleasantnesses in connection with my little celebration, which today I should dearly like to abandon entirely.
The King sends to ask what R. would like for his birthday, still without saying whether he wishes to see him. R. intends to ask for a gate into the palace gardens.