Ah, good Minna, you really ought to take a little thought to make things lighter for me! You ought to soften even your just complaints to me (and those about your latest trouble are so!); but you abide by a constant illusion about me and my mode of life, from which nothing seems able to tear you. Only believe that I'm leading an utterly wretched life, daily, hourly — and never, never am merry! — Hold that before your eyes, — and your own griefs will appear less to you: mine are simply multiplied by yours. —
How wretched and disgusted I feel at every contact with our art-world, you neither can nor ever will comprehend. My continual return to the attempt indeed is nothing but sheer desperation, never enjoyment! — But — enough! —
Outwardly yesterday's concert went off brilliantly. My most incredible personal exertions, however, hadn't succeeded in giving sufficiently good acoustics to the band-stand on the stage; and to-day my work begins again, to surround the whole orchestra with a costly solid construction such as I once got made in Dresden, so as to have better success with the second concert (New Year's day). I have no accounts of the net profit yet; the house was full, but a lot always goes out in free tickets and extras the first time, so that I shall be happy if things just balance. The repetition, on the other hand, is bound to bring me something in; then a third time perhaps: the same programme.
I was applauded on my entry for 5 to 8 minutes long; I seem very popular here. The young Empress was present from beginning to end; I shall have to get myself presented to her now. —
It's progressing with Tristan, and I have nothing to complain of. Still, it will probably drag on till February. Esser is working for me like a slave, and is an excellent fellow in general.
Unfortunately I am supported in this arduous time (a concert like this is always quite a new occurrence, and one has to attend to everything oneself!) by no sleep; I feel all to pieces, and everybody wonders how I even keep on end: increasing thumping of the heart and severe congestions on the chest, with terrible prostration. I never go out, except to see to something; I don't know what a walk or recreation is! That's my usual fate, and of such is my life! From New Year onward, tho', I've hopes of some repose; please do your share towards it. Among all my cares and troubles, the care for you has still remained the most consuming. Nothing having turned up from anywhere, at last I begged Standthartner to advance me the needful on my Tristan honorarium. He has had my wish complied with through his banker, — so now take heart, good Minna! It is certain to do you instant good, even to be rid at least of money worries and able to have things somewhat snugger. Come what may, in any case you shall receive a portion of my New Year's taking; so you may count on more money in the first days of January. Just write me — merely in round figures — how much you still need, beyond the 200 thlr, to free yourself from debt entirely. —
Let God dispose the rest! Adieu; I can no more! My hand is shaking, and I've to answer people dropping in here every instant! —
Best wishes, and — a good New Year's eve!
Thy Richard.
Source: Richard to Minna Wagner: Letters to His First Wife, trans. William Ashton Ellis, Vol. 2 (Charles Scribner's Sons, 1909), No. 264