Dear Minna,
Once again you don't judge me correctly. I should have to put up with that in the end, if you didn't invariably convert it into an injury to yourself. Do please believe in earnest that I can have a mind for nothing now, for nothing in this world, save for bringing about a new opera I may get given next winter if possible. Can you shut your eyes to the certainty that nothing can be of such importance to me as this, and everything which distracts and turns me from the needful mood, after such long and trying obstacles, is bound to culminate in my utter despair? An evil star reigns over everything connected with me, letting nothing appear at the right season, and what would otherwise be most desirable too late, if not in fact untimely. After those four months on the rack in Vienna, and when I had to form the quite monstrous decision to give up Tristan altogether for the present and undertake a new and easier-given work instead, how gratefully, nay, with what veneration — I needs must repeat that to you — should I have welcomed the message: "You are amnestied; I'll get the furniture sent, set up house, and you can come and work in peace here!" Now that I've passed another winter full of hardships, succeeded with unspeakable toil in at least getting straight here for my work's requirements, at last am taking up my pen to jot down the first notes of my music, of a sudden comes the news, His Majesty is in a melting mood, the thing will be arranged now. —
Do you refer it wholly to yourself, then, if I have been quite indifferent to this arrangement now, and positively nothing but disturbed by it? Do you wholly disregard, moreover, what I tell you of my money troubles? While I am racking my brains, not with musical invention, but with the discovery of ways of procuring the monetary means so soon needed again without giving myself away, what so joyful impression can it produce on me to learn that I may just return to Saxony? What have I to seek there; what sources of help will be opened me there; who will give me a thaler there? Do not all my hopes repose on prospects that can be realised only altogether outside Saxony, nay, only on the assumption that Saxony is nothing to me? What value to me, under circumstances such as those, is this so atrociously long-delayed amnesty? —
Very good: I will not deny that last winter, when the Bürde was still in vigour, it might have been of the utmost use to me to have the Dresden theatre at disposal with Tichatscheck for Tristan. I will hope that the Opera may regain its full rating there, and consequently I admit that artistically it is of value to me to see Dresden open to me again; but let us also hope the Intendant will summon me one day, as I shall obtrude myself nowhere any more. Further, it is good that through the amnesty the blot is now expunged which hitherto, and as late as last winter — in the Frommann's opinion — may have withheld certain very high personages from dealings with me: if the amnesty had arrived last year, I should have gone to Berlin this past winter, and tried my luck at Court there. —
But now this has all grown late, I feel done up, embittered, and fancy I am doing right to set no more store by it. Consequently I had one sole true and urgent reason for writing to the King once more, and that was my concern for you; since I know that none but a Dresden residence will appear to you a last and immutable. For my part, I have much to overcome in the notion of settling in Dresden again, and any other place where I can live quietly to myself is preferable to me at bottom. But for your sake I wished for this settlement — long ago; that turned the scale, and I have done all that was needful towards it. What would you more, then? Am I not left all, all other cares of man and artist? Has aught whatever been transformed thereby in my truly all but desperate situation, save that I now know we can settle down where you would liefest come to rest? —
I pray you: think yourself into my situation and mood, too, and do become a little juster — for your own sake! —
For the present let me devote myself to my so greatly needed work; grant me the right humour for it, and let me spin it off the reel in good time. Then much will stand otherwise, and I can breathe again. I will see to the money for you to rent quarters in Dresden at Michaelmas: until then please give rout to your blues, and — be a little juster to me. I need the most jealously-guarded repose now: how do you think I can compose after this letter to-day? —
I will attend to my missive of thanks when the customary official intimation shall have reached me — in answer to my letter; I always got the refusing letters safely, so I suppose they'll let the consenting also reach me this time. —
Now be tranquil; this last award has been of great importance to yourself. Think of a dwelling such as we discussed: in no case must we do the grand in Dresden, for many reasons. —
After your first-rate looks at the end of the past winter, dear Minna, I entertain no fears about your health; take care of yourself anew, and let us pay heed that it be not so easily shaken again by disagreeables in the future!
Adieu, farewell, and be of good cheer! But also grant rest and good humour to him who needs them both so urgently!
Kind love from
Thy Richard.
Source: Richard to Minna Wagner: Letters to His First Wife, trans. William Ashton Ellis, Vol. 2 (Charles Scribner's Sons, 1909), No. 237