The Erard, good Minna, has just been unpacked and set up in spite of rain and weather. What a delight it is to play on such an instrument, only the player himself can fully appreciate: the lightest pressure, scarcely touching, at once brings out that gentle bell-like tone which becomes a full clear, rich, but always mellow chime if one presses somewhat harder. I can play on it so softly that nobody in the next room would hear me when composing. — One joy at least, then, has stolen like a friend into my life!
Now you must soon give me the great joy of knowing you're on the high road to improvement. That is the sole joy whatever still in store, and then we'll thoroughly enjoy your full recovery, and take good care that things don't turn so bad again. —
Last night I returned to our house with great sadness and sinking of heart: — it is indeed a sore trial! It filled me with sorrow to find you always falling back, as at our taking leave, into your black self-torturing fancies. For Heaven's sake don't fasten on single words and expressions of mine, which you indeed always understand wrong. Do reflect, with some approach to justice and consideration, that I myself can't always keep an eye alert, with everything I utter, upon its possible impression on yourself. If I point out to you what a serious frame of mind my own has been, please always go by my eventual actions, i.e. my ultimate resolves when the inner conflict is ended. You really need a thoroughly intelligent, experienced and heartily well-wishing friend of your own sex just now, who on many points could give you such advice and explanation as I cannot possibly give you without starting fresh misunderstandings which truly never lay in my intention. Perhaps that may also be found, and then you will be radically tranquillised. But do put some faith in my character; on my last visit did you not remark the genuine, ay, cheerful calm I now have won? Surely you noticed no unrest, distraction, or dissimulation in me; let that reassure you on the state of matters in my inner self. Without, too, all is set in order, and my sole remaining care is for your health; a care that fills me with sincere concern when I see you still so ailing. Think of nothing beyond your cure; firmly and steadfastly believe I'm keeping nothing from you that might give you reason for anxiety on my account; be sure of me, and rest assured I hope and long for nothing more upon this earth and in this life, than peace and quiet to be able to fulfil my task that keeps me on my feet. So let us jointly bear the lot appointed us, be lenient toward each other's foibles, and honestly assist each other to fulfil life's heavy task with cheerfulness unruffled! — So once more, and ever more: — Get well! Sleep calm and free of any care for me! I too am calm, and in my breast there dwells a peace so deep that nothing save the care about your health can shake it now.
Enjoy our Fipsel also, whom I truly left you at a heavy sacrifice; I miss him terribly, and when I drew his basket on one side to go to bed, tears came into my eyes. But you shall keep him; I will eke out with the Erard and my work now. Help me yourself as well, through good news of your health! —
Kindest regards to the Herr Doctor and family! Be brave, as I am; behave yourself, and thereby prove to me you really love me!
Thy Richard.
Source: Richard to Minna Wagner: Letters to His First Wife, trans. William Ashton Ellis, Vol. 1 (H. Grevel & Co., 1909), No. 123