[...] What you tell me has [...] cleared my mind completely! Indeed, I knew when I took leave of you a year ago that there were no further prospects for me as a concert-promoter, either in St. Petersburg or Moscow. Nevertheless, I decided a week ago to go to St. Petersburg, less in the hope of a successful enterprise than with the intention of settling there. I wanted to throw myself at the feet of our dear Grand Duchess and entreat her to take me into her household—under whatsoever title—and give me a quiet room, food, attendance and pocket-money amounting to a few hundred roubles per annum. I had ceased to fear the terrible climate. [...]—I was sure of your pleasant society, for which I know no equivalent here or elsewhere. Well, you are secure now from the threatened invasion. I hope to be able to greet my noble benefactress and you in Germany next summer. We can discuss the matter quietly then. [...]
I am involved in no mere crisis, but in final ruin. For the first time I have tried to make a settled home for myself, all by myself. Only very favourable conditions could have made this an enduring possibility. Instead, I am just on the point of giving it up entirely, for since my last direct attempt last autumn to get a plain declaration of what I had to expect from Germany, I cannot by any method scrape up funds to meet expenses. There is no "place" for me, anywhere.—
My depressed state of mind now unfortunately affects my health. I am constantly in the doctor's hands, but that would not matter much if only I could work at the same time. But weeks, long weeks, go by in which I am barely able even to read a little. I keep on working to some extent, but very slowly, for I cannot write down what does not please me and I so seldom have an idea which pleases me now. Probably you cannot guess how sorrowful my life is? I have come to see clearly enough that I am incapable of "earning," of "keeping myself."—The few friends who trouble themselves about me in my miserable and utterly forsaken condition, see this too. They realise that my lot must be entirely changed and believe the only method is for me to make a prudent marriage with a woman of means. Whatever the circumstances I can only laugh at this suggestion. As if it were an easier way than any other! But, above all, no earthly advantage could persuade me to subject the poor woman, whose only real fault after all was in allowing me to marry her, to the disgrace of legal divorce with all its necessarily shocking proceedings. On the contrary, it is my care for her lot which makes it absolutely necessary for me to look about for definite help. I allot one thousand thalers a year to my wife, who is settled in Dresden. Hers is a hard lot and I feel responsible that she should not be further crushed by want of outward comforts and proprieties. Besides, she is the victim of a terrible malady, necessitating constant and costly treatment. She can only just manage on the income assigned her and I am most careful to have the quarterly payments made punctually to her. What to do to keep myself alive, I cannot at the moment decide. I am making efforts to get a wealthy family of my acquaintance to take me in, thereby reducing my living expenses to nothing, or only to a little pocket-money. I must succeed; there is no other way out. I can only hope to keep fairly well, and get the necessary peace and quiet for work, if I am relieved of the necessity to earn money, and I can only achieve this by becoming and remaining personally poor and without possessions. But I cannot involve my wife in the same lot. I must provide the necessary thousand thalers per annum for her. Oh, if only this last burden could be lifted from me! I appeal most solemnly to your noble and sympathetic heart, and entreat you very humbly to put the matter before our deeply honoured Grand Duchess! I feel that she will take pity on me. It is my most solemn plea—I believe it is my last! To put the matter clearly, I beg Her Imperial Highness, in consideration of the fact that she may largely contribute to a final settlement of my affairs by so doing, to allow me a pension of one thousand thalers from April 1st of this year, to be paid directly by Her Imperial Highness in quarterly instalments of two hundred and fifty thalers on April 1st, July 1st, October 1st and January 1st each year, to my wife, Minna Wagner, 16 Walpurgisstrasse, Dresden.—This pension, if graciously accorded, to cease at the death of my wife. And—here comes the sad fact, which, sad as it is, yet gives me hope that the Grand Duchess will not find the fulfilment of my request an impossible additional burden upon her budget. For six years my wife has suffered from heart-disease, which, pronounced incurable from the first, has since made such terrible advances that I [...] must be prepared for her speedy decease. [...]
[...] I am most warmly grateful also for Her Imperial Highness's last allowance, safely received. This sum has helped and is helping me to support this last sad change in my affairs. [...]
Source: Letters of Richard Wagner, Vol. 2, selected and ed. Wilhelm Altmann, trans. M. M. Bozman (J. M. Dent & Sons, 1927), No. 564