My friend,
Two words to set you straight! - You know my retort: here it is again. It contains an insincerity: the account of the limited nature of my relations with the King. In view of my need for peace, I only wish it were so. The King’s wonderfully profound, fatalistic affection for me. - Although (for the sake of my own peace of mind) I may renounce the privileges which it gives me, I cannot imagine how I could reconcile it with my heart and my conscience to shirk the duties which it imposes upon me. You can guess that those who have been goaded into attacking me in public are only the instruments of others: it is of no significance, and slander even now is playing its last desperate card. But who are the prime movers? I am bound to tremble at the idea of withdrawing within the bounds that are alone conducive to my peace of mind, if, at the same time, I must leave him - to his entourage. -
My very soul is seized by dread, and I ask my daemon: may not this cup pass away from me? Why, when I sought only peace and the leisure to work undisturbed, why have I become involved in a responsibility in which the salvation of a divinely gifted man, and perhaps even a country’s welfare, has been placed in my hands? - How can I save my heart here? And how then can I remain an artist? - He lacks the person he most needs! - It is this - this - which is my real predicament. The superficial game of intrigue, which is calculated purely to drive me frantic and thus to lure me into committing some indiscretion, will soon fall in on itself. But what energy would it require - an energy which would wrest my peace of mind from me for evermore - to wrest my young friend from his entourage! - He remains true to me, with a loyalty that is touching in its beauty, and for the present he denies himself to everyone. - What do you say to my fate? - My longing for ultimate peace is beyond belief: my heart cannot bear any more of these deceitful goings-on! - Sincere good wishes to Wille!
Yours truly,
Rich. Wagner.
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 317