[...] All my past experiences are as nothing compared to an observation or, rather a discovery which I made yesterday during the first orchestral rehearsal for my concert, since it has decided the entire course of my future life, and its consequences will now govern me with a tyrannical sway. I had the Prelude to Tristan played to me for the first time; and it was as though the scales had fallen from my eyes, allowing me to see how immeasurably far I have travelled from the world during the last 8 years. This short Prelude was so incomprehensibly new to the musicians that I had to guide my people through the piece note by note, as if to discover precious stones in a mine.
Bülow, who was present, admitted to me that whenever this piece has been attempted in Germany the public have simply accepted it on trust, but that in itself it has remained totally unintelligible. I succeeded in making this Prelude intelligible to the orchestra and audience, indeed - people assure me that it produced the deepest imaginable impression: but do not ask me how I brought it off! Sufficient to say that it is now perfectly clear to me that I cannot think of any further creative work until I have filled in this terrible gulf behind me. I must perform my works first. And what does that mean? -
Child, it means plunging into a slough of suffering and self-sacrifice in which I shall probably perish. Everything, but everything may be possible; but only if I have sufficient time and leisure for it; if I can advance step by step with singers and musicians; if I do not have to hurry or break off anything through lack of time, and if I have everything constantly ready. And what does that mean? The experiences of this concert, for which I was allowed so little time, have told me the answer: I must be rich; I must be able to sacrifice thousands upon thousands in total disregard for the consequences, in order to buy space, time and goodwill. Since I am not rich, I must seek to make myself rich: I must give my older operas here in French, so that the not inconsiderable profits that accrue to me in this way will enable me to reveal my newer works to the world. - That is what the future holds: I have no other choice! And so - come death and destruction, that is my task, and that is no doubt why my daemon has kept me alive! It would be folly to think of anything else! I see nothing ahead of me but the terrible throes of bringing my latest works into the world. -
[...]
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 255