Oh my dear Minnikins,
I’d sacrifice the whole of Italy to be with you today! My state of health is indescribable: you know how we once made fun of Eisner in Paris; well, now I feel exactly the same; I have but a single thought: how to get back home to you again as quickly as possible!
To be sure, this change of mood has been brought on by ill health. The trouble is that a drink of fresh water is out of the question here; I may have had too much ice and iced water: in short, at the end of 3 days, I was suddenly struck by diarrhoea and, as a result, am now feeling increasingly weak and dizzy, with a tendency towards feverishness; a very depressed melancholy mood. On Saturday evening - as I told you last time - I set out to sea; I thought the sea air would do me good. We had a strong headwind and heavy seas; it certainly brought back memories! All around me people were being seasick; I too freely threw overboard the entire contents of the meal I had eaten on land at midday; but then I lay down in my berth and thereafter had no further trouble from seasickness, spending the entire night stretched out in my bunk. -
We arrived in the Gulf of Spezia early yesterday morning: my diarrhoea had subsided, whereas my dizziness and violent stomach pains had increased. As a result, there was nothing that could cheer or distract me. Although I left quite early in order to spend an hour walking in the mountains wherever the fancy took me, and although everything I saw was quite splendid and beautiful, with strange and surprising vegetation, - nothing sunk in; my mood grew increasingly mawkish, and each time that I thought that it was your birthday tomorrow and that I was five days’ journey away from you, I felt like screaming out in my unhappiness. I almost choked with despair. After lunch I took another carriage and instructed the driver to take me along the Gulf for a couple of hours’ ride: it was Sunday, everyone dressed up and shorn! But I couldn’t stand it there either, and so I went back to my room, swore never again to go on a journey by myself, and finally collapsed in exhaustion. However, I became so anxious about falling asleep that I even asked for a doctor: but then I spent a quiet night. Unfortunately, my dizziness and stomach pains this morning are as bad as ever: my mood is unbearable, and the thought of being so far away from you today lies on me like a ton-weight. In addition, I feel so helpless here, and so pitifully alone, that I can scarcely think any longer of continuing my journey. Today, or tomorrow morning at the latest, I shall return to Genoa: I’ll see then how I feel! If I still feel as I do today, the only remedy will be to return home immediately; I shall then not bother with Nice but travel by the most direct route possible to Lago Maggiore, in order to return to Zurich across the Gotthardt: in that case, it would be splendid if you were able to come some of the way to meet me - as soon as you feel well enough - , perhaps as far as Fluelen? - However, if my health improves a little, and if I feel able to continue the journey that I had previously planned, I shall certainly go on to Nice after all, and if the problems with my passport can be sorted out, I shall probably also go on to Paris. But I cannot say anything definite about this today - In fact - if you could come to Nice, that would change everything: I invite you to join me there with all my heart and with open arms! But will your state of health allow you to do so? I fear that such a long journey cannot be expected of you at present! However - speak to Dr Rahn, my good Minnikins, he may finally agree to your coming. Dear God, I’d hate to think that I had undertaken this journey to no purpose, and I’d do anything to avoid running away à la Eisner. But the state I am in at present cannot be allowed to last any longer, otherwise there is nothing for me to do but return home. - In order to come to a provisional decision, let’s leave things as they are. When you reply to today’s letter, write to me in Nice (Regno di Sardogna). In the event of my not going to Nice but returning home instead from Genoa, I would telegraph from Genoa to tell you what I was doing, so that you would receive the telegraphic despatch before this letter. If you do not receive a telegraphic despatch, but only this letter, you can take that as a sign that I have gone on to Nice. And so, as soon as I telegraph you to say that I am coming home, keep all the letters that arrive for me from that moment onwards, otherwise send them to Nice if, by the time you receive this letter, you have not had a despatch from me. (Unfortunately, there is no telegraph office here, otherwise I should of course have used it to send you my best wishes for today.)
God knows what will become of me today: at the moment, I believe rather that I shall be returning home than continuing my journey. I feel dreadful and cannot describe how much I yearn to be with a friendly soul: I am really too home-loving a person to be able to derive any pleasure in the long term from foreign things. Never again shall I undertake such a long journey without you, or at least without a close friend. Otherwise, I feel such misery suddenly seizing hold of my soul, it is as though I might choke! In such circumstances, introductions to strangers are no use. In Genoa I finally delivered a letter Caronti had given me: I didn’t meet the man, and the next day he didn’t meet me; and so I continued my journey. If only one were younger and had not lived through so many fateful experiences: now only familiar sights can help! -
Today it has finally begun to rain a little; maybe this will help my condition; up to now I’ve been unlucky since the horizon has never been fully visible but has always been shrouded in a heat haze; as a result I have yet to encounter the beautiful evening light one associates with Italy. -
Here in Spezzia the entire Sardinian court, with the exception of the King himself, is at present in residence, including the Saxon princess who was married here - but I have yet to see them for myself. -
Once again: ah, if only I were with you today! I mustn’t think of it, otherwise I shall burst with unhappiness! Today, while I am writing this wretched letter to you, I expect you will receive my ecstatic letter from Genoa: what an irony! -
You’ll soon learn more about my decision; fare you well my good Minnikins! Be more cheerful than I am! regards to little Peps and get better for when we see each other again! Adieu, Adieu!!
Your very melancholy
Richard
Source: Selected Letters of Richard Wagner, trans. and ed. Stewart Spencer and Barry Millington (W. W. Norton & Company, 1988), No. 166