I have a letter, I have a letter; now I can breathe again, now at last I am happy, for you are still mine, you are not lost to me. I feel new energy, the faintness of my spirit is gone. You are mine, you love me, now we have to act, now something must happen. Forward, forward! O Minna, what a power you have over me. Every detail of your features and appearance is an important event to me. Accompany and strengthen me in all that I do. God give me power to bear everything and let me realize my aspirations.
The 23d of June. Yesterday I was with Wolf, following your advice which will always be held as sacred by me. I spoke with him on many subjects. He said that he had recently received a letter from Hübsch in which he stated that you were a great success and he is very much pleased with your standing. He strongly defended Hübsch, saying he is dependable and fair-dealing, but often too inclined to be thoughtless. I told him my attitude toward him; in any case he was ready to agree to it, so that if he should hear about something for me—for leading actresses are also often needed—he would immediately let me know. This would be good only in case Schuberth should not go to Riga and I thus couldn't come to Königsberg, so we could still arrange to come together in the fall. I would call for you in Königsberg, where we could perhaps marry right away. Try to find out, anyway, whether this might meet with difficulties there. In any case the best course would always be for me to be engaged and so come to Königsberg, which would be the most likely and certain solution. Isn't it so, my Minna? At Easter next year, we will quit the theater and go to Berlin. For, as I have already written to you, I hope to get 1,000 thaler anyway, since even Kugler has 800 thaler. Besides, I have already inquired of Cerf himself what kind of extra work is in store for me, for whatever else I do, together with extra rehearsals, etc., will be separately paid. This should bring the amount to 1,200 thaler— And now it seems that my compositions should gradually earn me something. Don't you think so? For that reason I see no need for you to remain any longer at the theater, although Schwabe argues that we may not make ends meet with 1,200 thaler. What is your opinion? In the beginning of July, Gläser is at last to leave. O God, I really must have some occupation again soon, for I have lived here under the most depressing circumstances, as you know; but I'm too proud to appeal to my family, and I'll persevere as I started. I have written to Gottschalk again and presented everything to him in an emphatic and orderly way, so don't worry too much, dear child, they can't do us any harm; they will have to wait, and if they become insolent it is only intimidation, for they can't force me. By the way, Schwabe claims to have just heard the news that Mad. Gottschalk has died. What do you think of that? She always looked miserable and she also was a wicked person, but at the same time she made a strange impression on me. O God, my Angel, I have experienced a bitter youth, God knows, my manhood must compensate for that. And where but in your arms, and on your heart? Oh, my delight, this is my surest and sweetest hope; since you have been entirely mine I have known so much tranquillity, in spite of all troubles, that, having won you entirely, I hope to gain completely the firmness and poise I shall need to live successfully for my art with free and unhampered courage. Oh, see how you are everything, everything, to me, how I hope to achieve everything through you, my sweet life, my blissful heart!
The 26th of June. Only today I'm writing you, for only today have I found clear vision and regained my composure. I have let three days pass without writing. During those three days I have found out what my fortune is and what I am to expect from fate. Minna, you may leave me too, for I'm an unlucky man. I have decided to leave here in a week, for after that I have nothing more to do here. Cerf is a rash, light-minded man who certainly had the best intentions in offering to me continually during my stay here Gläser's position whenever the latter is on leave. You know how conveniently this would have supported me here until I could come to Königsberg. I conferred about this first with Gläser, and nothing seemed more certain. The reason it can't be done after all is not that Cerf has changed his attitude, but because the opera will have to close down completely, which he didn't surmise before. Yesterday, the Gerhardt sang for the last time, Greiner left long ago, and Holzmüller and Fischer, who were supposed to stay until the end of August, are to leave as early as the first of July, owing to a lawsuit. The matter is quite simple and obvious—I have become the superfluous one here, in spite of all my hopes. So I must leave Berlin now. The only advantage I will get, and it is of the first importance to me as an artist, is that Cerf will buy my opera from me, and in the opinion of Gläser and Genen he should pay me generously in order to compensate me for my stay here. Gläser behaved quite splendidly toward me; he assured me in a most cordial manner that he will study my opera with the greatest care and attention as soon as he has the available means, and this reassured me. Now I can be more content at leaving Berlin, for I know that my opera is in good hands and the best interests of my future career are cared for. When I asked Wolf yesterday, among other things, the best way to get my opera accepted on other stages, he said that the best road to acceptance by all the stages of Germany would be a success here in Berlin. And in this he is quite right. I think my opera should be successful here. I have changed much in it and it will be well performed. Besides, all the outstanding writers here are my friends, who will do their best to give it special attention in outside papers. Laube has already written a great deal about me and the opera in a Stuttgart paper. So I think I have attained an objective after all and I consider it as a guarantee for our future, which should bring about our eventual return to South Germany. Besides, I will use my time here to induce Cerf to make a contract with me for next year, for our relations are not strained at all and we are still the best of friends. It would be best, however, if it should happen only after the opera's performance. Wolf told me that Haake is about to engage, through him, a quite new and extraordinarily fine company for Breslau; and now I called his attention to my great interest in Breslau too, and reminded him that the conductor there is said to be no good at all, whereupon he offered at once to write to Breslau. He could recommend me with the best conscience, for he had heard high praise of me from Magdeburg. I shall send my opera book to Breslau today. Wolf is also to procure for you Corona; Herr Hübsch would have to pay for it, he said. I am also going to write to Braunschweig, and you see, my dearest, that I have nothing to reproach myself for, because I am giving the most careful attention to my prospects.
But what to do next? I pondered on that all of yesterday; I thought over everything well and decided that two ways only are open to me. Either I'll go to—Leipzig—or I'll go to—Königsberg. Don't be alarmed, Minna, but that's how it is. My decision is: to Leipzig I won't go. Now listen: I hope about 60 thaler will be left to me here. With this money I must either attain my goal or sacrifice it. I'll go from here to Königsberg; everything will be decided more quickly if I am there in person. You, my Angel, cannot speak and act for me as well as I could myself; this is in no sense a reproach to you, dear girl. I see the reasons for it very clearly, and your last letter confirms my opinion. You would expose yourself too much and would compromise your own position. I am convinced of this. I will do it myself and this is how I have thought it out: it is certain that Schuberth is to go to Riga in September. Now I will talk to this man, whom I have already known, in this way: "You expect to stay here (in Königsberg) two more months. Then you are to return to Riga. You have your family in Riga. Doubtless you would love to see them soon. I have no work for those two months and I would prefer to spend them with my betrothed than anywhere else. But I don't want to spend this time without occupation. Please, then, leave me in your position from now on; go to Riga to your family, draw your salary for the next month, and make it up in this way; I'll use my own means until then." I hope, my child, that I come to an agreement with him, and I will use the 30 thaler left to me after the journey to live on for a month, trying to make ends meet without bothering anybody. The second possibility is that Schuberth will not wish to return to Riga; in that case I would start negotiations immediately with Riga, for I once knew well in Leipzig both the director and the Stadtmusikdirektor Dorn, so that we may be together there. If the worst should happen, and even that should fail, I'd use my last funds to travel back to Leipzig, and—shoot myself. What do you think, my child? Are you for or against this plan? It is the only way left to me, and it is not chatter; I am in sober earnest. Something has to happen now; this I have felt for a long time, and I have even written it to you. It is my utmost, my most serious effort; if it doesn't lead to our happiness—then there is to be no happiness for us! Besides this, I have obtained the means to dispose Herr Hübsch in my favor. First of all, Herr Wolf, who is an intimate friend of Herr Hübsch, will give me a letter which should work to my best advantage. Secondly, I have found out through him that Hübsch is in serious need of a tenor—Wolf has in view Schmitt in Leipzig, whom he deems the best and indeed the only one. But Schmitt is also negotiating with Breslau and surely would prefer Breslau. It lies quite in my power to persuade Schmitt to decide on Königsberg, and thus I could render a great service to Herr Hübsch. Tell him this. You certainly will be surprised, my Minna, at my decision and plan; at first you may be inclined to call it foolhardy and headlong. Consider it calmly, my angel, it is the only path I can see which will lead to our happiness. Now it must be either the one thing or the other, and I have reached my decision in a solemn hour of dark and serious thought. I expect news from you by return mail if you agree with me, and I hope you will! I hope!
Before leaving, I am going to write to Magdeburg to my Justizkommissar that he may postpone my dates of payment, and if Herr Gottschalk proves to be obstinate I will give the matter over to him and will make the situation clear to him so that he will compel that man's indulgence. My dear wife, misfortune is now gradually giving me fortitude, and you may perhaps find me much changed. Don't imagine that I am in the least excited at this moment. I am in a serious, solemn, and determined mood. My decision is firm, and you won't be able to divert me from it by anything, unless you should write or intimate to me that my presence now would be disagreeable or bothersome to you. Only this would keep me from carrying out my resolution. I have to see you now, Minna, and together with you decide our fate. God will give us courage and strength and at last happiness, too. If not, well, then everything may break down and fate may rid you of a lover, of a betrothed who was born to bring you misfortune, grief, pain, and anguish. Write by return mail, for in a week, at the most, I shall expect your answer. See what you can tell me in this short time; probe Schuberth and Hübsch a little, and God be with you! I can go no further! Think of me as kindly as you can, my Minna, for I have a terrible suspicion about myself, that I am a disturber of the peace, a tormenter, a troublesome fellow, who will bore you in the end, etc. Indeed I am a disgusting man, a gray and black leaf in your book of life, an unlucky chap, ha, ha, and on top of it a hypochondriac; it's bad. But things will be better, better, much better! Good luck—or— See, here I am dropping again into my favorite mood. You may catch me often now in these amiable monologues. I become a melancholy, dismal fool. Ha, ha, Minna; life, luck! Have pity on me, pity, my angel; you will restore my health, then either my heart will break into a thousand fragments or luck—luck—Minna! Alas, I begin to despair of luck on this earth; love me, keep loving me, but never abuse me; have pity on an unlucky one, for after all, he is
Your
Richard
Source: Letters of Richard Wagner: The Burrell Collection, ed. John N. Burk (Macmillan, 1950), No. 18