Monday, September 19:
Yesterday Richard spoke of making a trip to Berlin this winter, in order to give a lecture at the Academy to promote our performances in Bayreuth. He wants me to go with him, and misunderstands me when I say it would be better for me to remain here. He believes I am being restrained by worldly considerations, my previous relationship with Hans’s family, whereas it is just my inner voice, which tells me, “You have nothing more to seek in the world; because you caused severe suffering, you have resolved to live now only within these four walls for the children and the One and Only.” I do not wish to explain this to R., in order not to upset him, and God will help me to do what is right!
Tuesday and Wednesday, September 20 and 21: Very fine weather, I let the children play and I read Beethoven, which R. has now finished.
We have an affliction in the household: poor Jakob has such a bad finger that there are doubts about how to care for it. A misunderstanding by R. also causes me concern; at lunch I say jokingly that I now have no money at all. R. took this as a reproach and became hard and bitter. I was able to explain what I had meant, but how swiftly is pain caused!
On Wednesday evening we read Schopenhauer; how this teaching affects me! On going to bed I asked myself whether I should not have acted much better in life if such things had been impressed on me in my youth; but very soon I had to tell myself: You had the teachings of Jesus, which were enough, if you had not been weak and sinful: a mea culpa from the depths of the soul and acceptance of all suffering as atonement for one’s existence.