Wednesday, September 18:
R. had a good night, I a very restless one; when I led the dogs to the railings for R. yesterday, I found him looking very white, his lips pale, and all evening he seemed to me run down; on top of that Fidi’s illness and the searing worry that he might not prove worthy of his father!
But this time the flood of wild thoughts gives way to resignation, I behold His gaze, and calm covers my raging till sleep comes. In the morning we discussed the question of the private tutor and the apartment. Fidi is somewhat better. Work with the children. R. also works, and he plays to me Lass mich dich, Göttlichen, lieben, in which by means of the Flower Maidens’ theme he allows us divinely to feel, beyond the wild words, the sweet omnipotence of love’s yearning.
Over coffee R. brings up a subject we discussed yesterday, my experience of which, he says, has shown him things in a new light, namely, the Catholic Church and its realism, how in its eyes all fervor and faith are worth nothing unless one is a Catholic.
After R.’s afternoon rest we stroll in the garden, sit down in front of the still-fascinating aviary, Brange always at R.’s feet. Friend W. brings news of the continuing debate in the Reichstag; R. finds Bismarck’s speech pitiful, that he was happy to have Lassalle as a neighboring landowner, this jocular tone in such a matter, and then his eternal complaints about illness! R. finds all this disgusting, and he feels the King ought to say to Bismarck, “Either we dismiss the Parliament you address in such terms, or I dismiss you.”
Later R. works in ink, then plays and sings to me the passage from “Ja, diese Stimme” to “Halt! dieser Kuss!” Indescribable feelings possess me, which I express to him in an embrace; it is only late in the evening, when he again comes back to the Reichstag, that I tell him I have no interest in this wasteland, I can hear only Parsifal. R. says, “It is very remarkable, I have never before gone so far; my ‘ein andres ist’s’ almost goes beyond what is permissible as far as didacticism is concerned, but you will see!”